Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
