my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize