Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
FUCK WHALES
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