the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
