Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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