Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
