Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
