I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
