Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize