i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize