he told me I talked like a deaf person
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
