Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
