I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
