Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
