Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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