I'm lost and stupid without you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
