I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
