the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
