I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
