One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
