epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
