Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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