we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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