New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
