Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
