dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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