i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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