so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize