i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
