she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How does one acquire holy water?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
