Your dad touched me again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
