you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
