Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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