puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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