Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She bit a glass in half.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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