I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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