I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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