did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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