I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The Olympian is in my bed
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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