Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
