Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
