I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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