I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
