I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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