The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
