Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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