Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
