You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
