theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
