Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
