My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
