seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
