I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
